Babble Ban

Sure, movies, TV shows and magazine ads make everybody want to be extroverts. Cabbies are always filled with deep wisdom, waitresses have a million jokes, and grocery checkers can't wait to share their recipes. But in reality, how ’bout we all play a game called Shut the Fuck Up? A game where the Lyft driver with the fewest fascinating local legends receives the biggest tip. In which the manicurist with the least number of empathetic anecdotes gets the most repeat customers. Where the salesperson without a compliment waiting at the ready, the barista without a show tune, and the guy who doesn’t pretend to give a shit how your morning’s going will get the highest ratings on their comment cards.

Yeah, nobody likes a sourpuss, but painful small talk and fake chitchat are more insufferable than Oscar the Grouch could ever be. Nobody needs their grocery items narrated at checkout; no one wants to know your opinion of their drink order; and zero people give a crap whether or not you like the movie for which they just bought tickets. And there should be a KGB-worthy hole of solitary confinement for any massage therapist who goes all Chatty Cathy on their clients. Aaaah, shoulders are releasing, neck is relaxing, tension is melt–

“SO, whatchya doin’ for the weekend?” Well, pumpkin, slamming you on Yelp is first up on the agenda!

DO be polite, friendly and courteous. DON’T be that enthusiastic kid on the bus who won’t stop babbling about his new X-Box or the gabby toddler who just discovered airplane rides. When it comes to the game of Shut the Fuck Up, be a winner. You’re a professional – not a goddamned Furby.

A silent smile can go a long way...