Baby Book Bunk

We’re all told that parents should read the classics to their kids. That their futures will be murky if we don’t share with them the finest in children’s literature. Okay, cool. Nobody wants to stunt their offspring’s brain because of a lack of Seuss or shortage of very hungry caterpillars. But when it comes to these lofty lists of gold standards, it’s about time somebody started calling some bullshit…

The Giving Tree – The story of a selfish asshole who gets his way all through life and the woodsy friend who yearns to be his battered wife. Neither character in this book should be emulated by any human being, so it’s irritating, angering and demoralizing for both reader and listener. Win-win! The publisher probably chose this title because other possibilities...The Stockholm Syndrome Tree and The Oak of Misogyny...were difficult for toddlers to pronounce.

The Poky Little Puppy – A classic tale of how thinking for yourself, being an individual and taking time to actually notice the world around you makes you an outcast and gets you punished. Simultaneously, children learn that rule breaking and vandalism earn you extra treats. Hoping for an automaton or a felon in the family? This is the book for you!

Charlotte’s Web – Disheartening gloominess for the whole family! And don't even with your "but he was spared" bullshit. Get real. We all know eventually Wilbur was slaughtered for breakfast bacon, honey. Unless this tome of depression comes with an attached bottle of Paxil, it should stay on the shelf – covered in cobwebs.

Manuli’i and the Colorful Cape –  The Hawaiian tale of a pervert who spies on girls taking baths, a pal who sells out his own species, and a shallow bitch who gives it up to a guy solely because he has cool threads. If your goal is to raise a vapid trophy wife or reality TV star, you’ve found your training manual! I believe the alternative title for this book is Keeping up with the Mainlanders.

The Missing Piece – Achieving your goals, finding fulfillment, and striving to be your best will turn you into a self-centered, greedy dick. Remember kids, be less than you can be or you won’t have any friends. Be incomplete or butterflies won’t like you. Stay average! Perhaps this was the prequel to The Giving Tree.

When you hated them as a kid but read them to your own children out of some sense of literary obligation, only to feel your ass cringe with every page, it’s okay to finally accept one of life’s nastier facts. Sometimes even famous, beloved children’s books…just plain suck.

Here's something else we pretend to enjoy...