Beach Ball to the Face

As if flailing elbows, screaming drunk people and the stench of armpits and spilled beer aren’t nirvana enough, there’s an even tastier ingredient in the typical stadium shitcake…Beach Ball to the Face. Over and over again, people are assaulted by a giant inflatable asshole orb as it bounces through the crowd.

From a distance, this looks like cute and oh-so-gentle fun…but up close, one realizes how often this air-filled booze spilling device is being spiked, punched and violently launched by plastered revelers straight into the faces and/or beverages of other sardine-like spectators. Person after person after person has this thing forcibly propelled into their heads while talking, reading, eating, drinking, whatevering. What makes it even more fun is when the spazzed-out, quasi-hammered individuals nearby clock the victim’s cranium further while desperately grasping for their chance to be the server in Beach Ball to the Face. 

Although rarely happy to be forced into this idiocy, human casualties strangely keep the bullshit going. Stadium Stockholm Syndrome compels them to toss the baby toy back into the mob as a zillion adults pretending to be preschoolers flip out and reach for it like Harry Potter after a goddamned snitch. And when a grown-up finally decides the playdate is over and sets the asinine thing down, a coliseum of toddlers freaks right the fuck out like Mommy just took away their juice box.

Occasionally, some brave soul sends that puffed projectile straight into the unreachable blocked-off seats or onto the roof. But there’s always a dipshit around who retrieves it or launches a new one. There’s really only one cure…pop them. Pop them all. Bring a thumbtack to the next stadium you visit. Instead of Beach Ball to the Face, let’s play Thumbtack to the Balls!

The inflatable insanity stops with you...