Chew on This

Open mouth chewing - it's hard to find a more widely-shared peeve that this one. Not only would we ADORE listening to the sounds of your saliva-moistened food softening under the relentless grinding of your molars but, more than anything, we really want to watch the process unfold live and in color. I was wondering what your burger would look (and sound) like after half a minute in your mouth…now I know!

Let's think about who chews with their mouths open. Dogs. And hyenas. And pigs. And goats. So, unless you're munching on a snack from the litter box, tearing apart a wildebeest, bellying-up to the trough, or making a meal of somebody's sweater, it's time to stop with the gob-flapping at mealtime.

And don't be that Dinner Douche who takes a big bite then open-mouth-chews "just a couple times." People want to observe absolutely NO portion of your mastication process. Really. None. Not kidding.

If you’re out of preschool, stop eating like a goddamned toddler.

Speaking of humans behaving like livestock...