Somewhere along the way, it was decided that women needed to smell like plant life. Even our armpits had to be vegetation scented. Once upon a time it was roses, lavender or jasmine. Well, move over, flora, you’ve been replaced. Make way for Eau de Chemical Shitstorm!
What once was orange blossom is now Ocean Breeze. Step aside, sandalwood – here comes Energy Burst. Beat it, lily of the valley – make room for Cool Shower. Found nowhere in nature, these canisters of synthetically scented sweat stoppers remind one not so much of a tropical island but more of a petroleum refinery. Yesteryear, we got pits fragranced with magnolia – today we get Cucumber Calm, Watermelon Fizz and Berry Blast. Where once we smelled like landscaping, now we capture the essence of salad ingredients. Of course, there’s always that third option – Powder Fresh…because what grown woman doesn’t want to smell like an infant?
Fragrance-free and Unscented get scarcer every year and are usually relegated to the All Natural section where we get to smell like pine trees, stoners or our own foul sweat stank ’cause, who are we kidding, that shit doesn’t work. So, we grudgingly accept our current state of reek…somewhere between old lady perfume and tween girl lip balm.
Speaking of babyish bullshit...
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