Cow Walkers

You’re striding down the street, on the move, headed where you need to go…until you screech into the back of a dawdling Cow Walker. Pecking at their cell phone, studying a guidebook or deep in passionate chitchat, Cow Walkers block every living creature behind them as they lethargically amble along footpaths like bovines headed for the next patch of clover. 

Sidewalks are for WALKING. Just got a mega-dramatic text with extra emojis? Sit down somewhere and emote over it. Can’t find the Zumba studio you have that Groupon for? Stand to the side and read your map. 

Sure, it's extra cutesy-sauce that Betty Jean Jo just learned to walk. Lemme suggest, however, that a crosswalk is maybe not the best place for her to practice.

Also, please keep in mind that the end of the escalator is not the ideal place to stand and ponder lunch options. Two steps outside the revolving door is a less than marvelous spot for a poignant, touching farewell. And if you’re the guy who thinks mid-foot traffic is an optimal location to crouch down and tie your shoelace, you deserve every knee to the head, stiletto hand skewer and briefcase ass ramming you receive.

There are many appropriate options for sauntering, meandering and moseying, such as parks, zoos, gardens…pastures…but a sidewalk isn’t one of them. It’s called a “sidewalk” not a “sidehalt.” They’re “walkways” not “standways.” If you’re impeding traffic, for fuck’s sake, MOOOOve over!

Speaking of getting stuck behind some asshole...