Love, Rover

If you are over the age of ten, there is never a reason to sign cards on behalf of your pets. They don’t give a shit about holidays, birthdays, graduations or funerals — and no grown-up actually believes that they do.

Nobody reads your card and thinks, “Wow, Flea Bite actually cares about my appendectomy,” or, “Jeez, that’s so sweet that Fluff Lick gives a fuck about my Christmas experience,” or (and this might be the hard part to swallow), “Gosh, my friends are such good pet owners that they include their animals in their family signatures.” Nope.  They’re thinkin’, “Damn, that’s just kind of pathetic,” as they imagine you and your pet sharing a cereal bowl.

It’s one thing to sign on behalf of a human baby (who also doesn’t give a damn about anybody’s new house or retirement), but to completely take leave of your senses and start signing crap on behalf of animals is just asinine. You’re higher on the food chain than your pets and more mature than a first grader. Keep those facts in mind next time greeting card season rolls around.

While we're on the subject of pet irritation...