Is it Mother's Day already? Oh, YAY. Quick, everybody make your mom breakfast in bed 'cause she ADORES it when people wake her up early on the only morning she'll have the opportunity to sleep for, like, the next 364 days. And who doesn't love a bed full o' crumbs with condiments smeared on the sheets? She was searching for a reason to wash bedding today because it's so, ya know, fun.
And look at those precious cards! The ones that took all of 32 seconds to scribble out with whatever crayon happened to be nearby. Flowers, hearts and "Mama" drawn in all black resemble a mafia death threat as opposed to some joyous expression of appreciation. But who are we kidding? The only cards she'll get are the ones she reminded everybody to buy or helped the kids make. Oh, say what? Brunch?? Fuck yeah, let's stand for 40 minutes waiting for a table while everybody's starving kids bitch, whine, meltdown and require constant supervision from the Special Girl herself. Having to scold about table manners, cut people's food for them, wipe spills and manage sibling tribal wars is something Mom NEVER gets to do in her regular life, so this is just a super-duper dreamboat treat for her. Even better, take her to one of those places where she has to cook the shit herself.
And then what? A family outing, you say? Whatever SHE wants to do? Well, given that kids aren't allowed in bars, bringing them to casinos in Vegas is frowned upon, and they can't see films rated anything above Drawn with Markers, looks like you're heading to The Park. Awwwwwwesome. Mom gets to chase her children, push her children, watch her children, manage her children, comfort her children and entertain her children...all...goddamned...day. What a special treat for her!
Who needs jewelry, spa packages, kid-free day trips, or an entire afternoon reading a book in peaceful, quiet solitude when Mom can have the chance to do exactly the same shit she does the rest of the year?! Only this time with a forced, mandatory smile of gratitude through it all. So, fist pump, y'all. It's Mother's Day.
Here's another idea for pissing off a mom...
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