No Thanks

Lucky you, someone gave you a gift! You must be super awesome. Now, don’t be a lazy dickwad – the next step is to thank the gift giver. Properly. By writing a thank-you note. Notice the word is “writing”…not emailing, not texting, not phoning. Unless you received an imaginary gift, you owe more than a cyber thank-you.

This is one of life’s less complicated tasks and one which involves no keyboard, phone, or WiFi. Did they give you an ACTUAL gift? Then you owe them an ACTUAL thank-you note. Did they spend REAL currency on you? Then you owe them a REAL thank-you note. I realize that your awesomeness naturally compels people to want to give you presents to which you feel completely entitled but, Angel Pie, you still can’t get away with an email or a quick voicemail. Oh, you were planning to tap out a text? Well, it’s a fact that Hell’s anus has an entire banquet hall reserved for text thankers.

I’m terribly sorry if consideration and courtesy bum you out, Pumpkin. You’re really gonna hate this next part then…the Don’t Be a Lazy Dickwad Rule applies to your children, too. Did Schmoopie get something for its birthday, a holiday or special occasion? Then its ass needs to sit itself down and write a fucking note. And guess whose job it is to teach them this?

Aw, Pussy Willow, don’t look so sad – your face will freeze that way. Thank-you notes aren’t difficult; they show effort and appreciation; and they help demonstrate that you’re not a lazy dickwad. Unless you ARE a lazy dickwad…then you don’t deserve presents in the first place.

Be thankful when people don't pull this shit...