Poinsettia Pass

Hey, thanks for the poinsettia! I have two young kids, a puppy and a kitten. Was the gift shop out of cyanide tablets? Gosh, my home will look so festive…until two days later when it drops its leaves in a goddamned floral Blitz. Then we can all sit around and admire its stem and cellophane-wrapped pot. We can sniff the nonexistent aroma from the world’s ugliest bloom. After that, we’ll harvest absolutely nothing from the most useless plant on the face of the earth.

And since I have trouble finding things to keep me busy during the holidays, I’ll enjoy curling up with the encyclopedic plant care directions and extensive sunlight and watering tips. Ooh, I hope you got me one sprayed with fucking glitter! Because nothing says “holiday cheer in the trailer park” like leaf corpses strewn across my floor in pools of their own sparkle, like little botanic CSI scenes.

So, yeah, thanks again! And I promise to give it as much devotion, attention and affection as I’ve given every single poinsettia I’ve ever had in my entire life. It will be immediately placed in the proper receptacle and moved to the most appropriate location I can think of, whereupon it’ll be handled with all the care it deserves.

Speaking of thankless...