Yet another fucking potluck! Who doesn’t love these things? Tepid dishes with their cheeses coagulated, meat fats re-solidified and dairy ingredients just begging for a botulism test. YUM! Dunno ’bout you, but I’m headin’ straight for that Pyrex of room temp tuna casserole! Can’t keep me away from the baked mac-n-cheese with the quarter inch of oil on top. Mmm! Outta my way for the pulled pig sandwiches…I love that lukewarm, porky ooze. And no way is anybody beating me in line for the melted Jell-O meringue pie-soup.
Even more fun are the douchebags who just bring a box of some shit they snagged off a grocery store shelf and toss it, unopened, onto the table. ‘Cause, ya know, these things usually come with wait staff, serving attendants and maître d’s. Meanwhile, the sucker dipshits who spent the entire afternoon crafting lasagna sculptures with basil topiaries glare at them with Godzilla laser vision. This is culinary combat, bitches – no prisoners! Best of all are the victims of perpetual butthurt who stare accusingly at Corningware that have the nerve to contain food allergens. Take a big scoop o’ that gluten ball deep-fried in peanut oil, sweet cheeks, ’cause this here’s an appetizer ambush!
I know, I know. People imagine it's gonna be like some magazine moment where every dish competed on Top Chef or is a mega-cherished family heirloom. Complete with dipping sauces. And folks will spend the next several hours bonding over herb compliments and recipe swaps as they discover the flavors of distant cultures. Oh, how enlightened we'll all be.
Um, yeah, except...no. Also, will kids be in attendance? Then yeah...that's a
HELL, NO.
We’re all grumpy enough that we even have to be here, so save us all from your drippy macaroni salad, messy bean bullshit and, for Christ’s sake, leave anything containing quinoa at home where it belongs. Let’s just take up a collection for some pizza delivery or drive-thru buckets o’ chicken because, face it, those are the only things people actually like at these things anyway.
Or better yet, let’s skip the food altogether and just have cocktails.
Since we're on the subject of things that seem like a good idea but aren't...
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