Put it to Bed

Of the many let's-live-like-our-ancestors trends, the Medieval sleeping fad is the best one yet.

“People used to wake every night at around midnight and get up to do chores for a couple hours. Even go visiting. We’d be healthier if we did that.” Oh, right on! Not only do I long to wake my ass up every night, but I so totally want to get out of bed to do CHORES. Let’s all live like we have newborns. And go visit people! RIGHT.

“Hi. I’m so fucking tired I could throw up, but I came to visit you. Here’s a goddamned bundt cake.” Yeah, thanks. I’m super thrilled you’re at my house at 1:30 a.m. And I’m eating Paleo now because ancestors, so you can shove that gluten grenade right up your ass. I'd make coffee but we have to go back to sleep in, like, an hour.

I mean, sure, the idea of repeated snoozing and snacking throughout the night sounds cool, but it only really works longterm if you're a house cat. And keep in mind, the ancestors' idea of longterm was based on a 35 year lifespan.

So, if you want to sleep Elizabethan-style, have at it but your ass better not show up on my doorstep in the middle of the night. Unless, ya know, you brought a bundt cake.

Not everything from the past needs to be repeated. For instance...