Proposal Performance

Bended knee, a ring, nervous jitters, a four word question…that used to be enough to melt a lover’s heart and start a life together. Not anymore, sweet cheeks! If F-16s aren’t soaring in formation over her head, you can suck it, pal. There’s no mariachi band to accompany the interpretive dance performance you forced her coworkers into? Loser. Her dog isn’t dressed in a dipshit costume as you pray to the gods it doesn’t swallow the ring you tied to its fucking collar? Obviously, you don’t really love her.

And don’t even think of doing anything unless every family member, roommate, Instagram pal and neighbor with a shared zip code is there to record it and put it on YouTube. Marriage licenses aren’t valid unless proposals get a minimum of 20,000 likes. And how charming that this insipid trend of arrogance has leaked into the dating scene. Sure, she’ll go to the prom with you…if you hire a skywriter, have the marching band spell out her name in the gymnasium, and ask her via a lunchroom glitter paint poster, you pathetic milksop-to-be.

What better trend to show off our self-absorbed, attention-seeking society of vapid narcissists and pansy-assed ninnies than THIS bullshit? If you think she won’t say yes unless you coerce an entire stadium to do the wave – move on. If she whines that your proposal was boring – move on. If he’s sad that his entire algebra class didn’t witness you asking him to homecoming – move the fuck on. When reality show characters have more depth than your significant other (or you), best place to be is home on the couch watching them…alone.

Here's something else that needs to be given a rest...