Smile!

This one's super simple and is directed squarely at everybody: STOP TELLING PEOPLE TO SMILE.

Unless you’re in entertainment or the hospitality industry, your facial expressions are completely out of someone else’s control and 100% none of their business. If someone commands you to “smile!” while you’re out in the world living your life, you have my permission to punch them right in the throat. For real, I’ll write you a note.

Some ass-hat in an elevator coos “awww, smile”…[JAB!]. A dude on the subway insists “you’re prettier when you smile”…[JAB!]. Random lady on the street blurts out “it can’t be that bad, smile”…[JAB!].

This invasive, rude behavior is usually only aimed at women and children (’cause they’re often synonymous), and it’s time to throat-punch that bullshit back to the Antebellum Era. Retorts can be fun (“you’re better looking when your mouth is shut”) but a jab to the throat is far more effective and longer lasting.

Elevator Guy won’t demand that the snarling transient man on the corner smile. Subway Dude will never inform the heavily-inked biker in the corner that he would find him more attractive if he was smiling. Random Lady won’t chastise the serious businessman reading a document for not holding his mouth in a position she finds enjoyable.

After your throat-punch, make sure you tell them to “smile!”

Speaking of mouths...