You’re in line with dozens of other people. It’s finally your turn at the counter. You chitchat and make smalltalk with the person. You tell them about your cat. You ask endless questions which are already clearly answered if you’d just read the goddamned signage all around you. And then, “Oh, dear, where did I put my wallet? Hmmm, must be in here somewhere.”
Yep, you’re That Ass – and you deserve a good upper arm pinch. You’re in line to buy something…why does it shock you when it’s time to pull out your money?! As if you never expected to need that credit card to, ya know, buy the fucking thing you got in line to buy. As if it’s news to you that you need your ATM card at, um, the ATM. As if needing to provide ID or a membership card is so rare that it’s never happened to you before.
Oh, and by all means, stuff those tickets waaaaaaay into the bowels of your purse. Cram ’em into one of your 83 pockets. Hide them in your flesh-colored under-clothing body wallet. Do whatever it takes to make it as difficult as possible when it’s time to use them. And don’t you DARE pull them out before you get to the door/plane/gate and have them ready! That’d ruin the fun for everybody behind you who stood in line just to watch That Ass ahead of them hunt for their shit.
We extra love it when you realize at the very last moment that you "can't see a thing" without your glasses. Sure, ya coulda snooped around for those during the last 20 minutes in line, but that woulda been a non-Ass thing to do, right? Don't spoil the fun!
Nope, the line didn't move "faster than expected." The cashier didn't "come out of nowhere." Your card didn't "run away." You just didn't pay attention because you’re That Ass. And the only known cure for That Assitude is an upper arm pinch. NEXT!
May your receipt be as long as our wait...
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