Nobody cares about your healthy Halloween treats, Janice. This might be heartbreaking to learn, but other parents actually don’t look at you in awe because of your organic, soy-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, happiness-free fiber cubes. Your neighbors don’t hang their heads in shame when you boast about your grain-free, egg-free, sugar-free sadness bars made from organic wood pulp harvested from your backyard.
No one is impressed because they honestly, truly just don’t care. And we all know damn well your social media boast-post has little to do with taking care of those with food sensitivities and everything to do with upping your cred as the Earth Mother know-it-all you very desperately want to be seen as.
Inclusion is fabulous, but even kids with food allergies loathe you when you dump fucking homemade popcorn balls into their bags. Yes, food allergies are real, but so are tastebuds.
Nut-free treats = hurray! Nut-free treats with a sprinkle of nutritional yeast = you're a dick.
And you’re begging to have your car egged if you whip out a bowl of apples at the door. Sure, we’ve all seen the articles about “Making the Holidays Healthy,” but enough already. You’re not rescuing anybody from Sugar Satan. No one will get extra riboflavin because of your pinecone pops. Not one kid will willingly choose your bark bites over a candy bar. And zero parents will be inspired by your locally-sourced moss chews.
So, yeah, pass out chakra balancing holistic candy alternatives if you want, but keep your blatant Health Gestapo gloating in check…or there just might be a jumbo pack of Charmin making its way toward your source of those homemade mulch nuggets.
And if we're being brutally honest...
Comments